I have been a seeker of truth for a long time except I did not know it at a conscious level.
I had health issues and began to look for healing using alternative therapies. Along the way I found books and tapes from many different spiritual teachings and masters. No single teaching satisfied my seeking. I always seemed to have more questions, ever searching for what I did not know.
Although I did not give up there were times when I wondered if this was all a game and I did not know the rules. I had an “Attunement,” a spiritual healing technique and it felt different from any other therapy I had had. On the first visit I experienced an altered state of awareness which lasted several days—At the time I did not know about Self Realization or Awakening.
I did not have any other significant events occurring but found that some things started to make sense. The realization I was not alone and that others had followed the same path was helpful. Moving or taking trips to different places, all happened effortlessly. Meeting people of like mind who understood my questions also seemed to occur effortlessly as well. I discovered the teachings of the Ascended Masters and became a student of their teachings.
About three years ago I started attending satsang with Colin who had written a book about awakening called “Understanding.” I found that the words all made sense. This was a good period in my life, my restless self was more harmonious I also realized that the idea of the actual experience of awakening could not be conveyed by words.
I enjoyed being with people who were of like mind. I had no expectations. I also enjoyed reading Colin’s other books e.g “Like a Large Immovable Rock” and “Something To Ponder.”
Earlier this year I attended a retreat that lasted 3 days. On the evening of the second day. I was listening to a talk and suddenly found my mind was blank, I had no thoughts. I could hear the speaker but could not relate to what was being said. I looked around the room; everyone was in the same place as before. No names came to mind. I could not identify objects in the room. Suddenly it seemed the session was over. I was free to go…where? I followed everyone out. A woman spoke to me and I followed her. It seemed she knew where I was supposed to be. We watched the moon rise with some dark cloud formations. I do not remember any conversation that night.
Next morning over coffee a strange thought entered my mind. It was all so simple and I started to laugh and could not stop or explain what was so funny.
At breakfast I was again so lost I looked at the food, the silverware and napkins; everything had slowed down as if underwater. Again I did not know what to do or how to respond to questions.
I finally ran out, into the rain and walked for about half an hour. I was now wet and cold and hungry and knew I needed to eat. Lunch would be much later. The rest of the day was very confusing. Questions were being asked. I did not know how to respond or if my responses made any sense.
On the way home, I found it very difficult to have a conversation. This inability to have a conversation lasted for about a week. All activities: driving, shopping, all normal activities, were difficult as it seemed as if I was doing all of it for the first time and I was very insecure.
A few of my spiritual friends, who I see regularly, noticed that I had changed some-what and were worried about my emotional state. I assured them I was alright. To a few of my friends I tried to explain what had happened.
After about two weeks, in a state of being where I was not sure about any one thing, my world slowly came back into focus. Today I feel more balanced, happy, somewhat detached from people, things and events. All seems to be happening without me.
I have had a few experiences, like feeling at one with the trees the ocean, even becoming a whale swimming in the ocean.
I am waiting for what comes next .
Questions I’ve been asked: When your mind went blank, aside from what you described, what was there? What happened to the sense of self? What is the Self itself like?
I am not sure how to answer; there was a feeling of being disconnected from the room and everyone in it. At some level I knew where I was.
For a long time now, there has been this feeling of being the doer and the observer and then suddenly the observer, the Self is more present, aware and, unsure of how to function.
Since then separation of the doer and the observer of life is more in harmony. The observer, the Self, seems more present. I have no wants or desires right now. I spend a lot more time in silence.
Louise Williams, Oct 2013.